December 3, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S C

speakout

Family can be innocent bystanders in the war of words

by Michael Alvear

Somewhere, in the indelicate dance between derision and the ones derided, are innocent bystanders who don't know whether to fight or wiggle their way out.

My sister had the pleasure of this dance a while back. She was standing in a small circle of people at a cocktail party.

"I hate them," a girlfriend said to the group, who nodded encouragement. “They don't deserve to be called men."

My sister began to squirm because she knew where the woman was going, and she didn't want to be taken there. Social circumstance made it hard for her to speak out or to leave. She could only watch the woman go on, railing against men who didn't deserve the title of Men.

Trapped in the silence between derision and the derided, my sister went through what every sister with a gay brother goes through: Friends and acquaintances unknowingly insulting her family.

When my sister told me what happened, I felt awful. I had grown armor through the years to protect myself from the stray bullets of strangers, but it's hard to stop the ricochet from hitting someone I love.

"Michael," she said, "I did nothing, I tried nothing, I said nothing to defend you or protect you. I just stood there with a frozen smile the whole time she went on with her rant."

I'm her older brother. I'm supposed to protect her, but I didn't know what to say. Shame slinked between us, like steam sneaking out of a covered pot.

The awkwardness broke when her fouryear-old boy walked into the kitchen and it dawned on me why she was taking it so hard.

She wasn't seeing this just as my sister, but also as his mother. The idea of failing to protect her brother was only a few genetic steps from failing to protect her son.

I wonder if all the people who preach family values ever consider the families of

It's not gay-bashing any more.

It's family-bashing.

the people they attack. Do they ever think what it's like for a mother to hear her son's life isn't worth much? Do they ever stop and think what a father feels like when his daughter is attacked? Or how a sister might feel that her brother is being skewered at a cocktail party?

Gay-bashing isn't what it used to be. More and more, our families know we're gay. Our parents know, our brothers and sisters know, our cousins, uncles, grandparents. Used to be you could feel safe that you were only insulting one person or one group. But not any

more.

It's not gay-bashing any more. It's family-bashing.

"Good company" pinned a corrosive badge of shame on my sister. A soul-sucking, loveleaching, respect-rotting badge I often have to work at declining when it's offered to me. Nothing binds like the glue that shame pastes on you. Except family.

To my sister this was not a failure to stand up for gay civil rights. It was a failure to stand

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up for her brother. Oddly, what set gay men and women apart from our families is now beginning to piece us back together. Our families used to join the discordant haters in their chorus of compunction. But more and more, they're interrupting the poisonous hymns with a refrain my sister will undoubtedly use in the future:

"Hey, wait a minute, that's my brother you're talking about."

Michael Alvear lives with his longsuffering boyfriend Brad, his black lesbian Labrador Zoey, and his gender-confused Vizsla, Zacharia. He can be reached at mikealvear@aol.com.

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25th Anniversary Womyn's Variety Show

Kickoff Planning Meeting Sunday, Dec. 5, 1999 at 7:00 pm

Unitarian Society, 2728 Lancashire Rd, Cleveland Hts. Additional meetings Sunday, Dec. 12th & 19th same place, same time

Come to the kickoff meeting with your ideas.

We welcome all acts, old and new. If you have performed in the first 24 shows and would like an encore, we would love to see you! Come help us produce a wonderful celebration of 25 years of the Variety Show!

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"Womyn's Variety Show" and the "Fabulous Party"

Call the Oven office at 216-321-7799 and leave your name and phone number if you cannot attend but would like to volunteer.